Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You made out with two different species that night
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
