I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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