I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm both gender and math confused
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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