I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
