Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
