im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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