I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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