Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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