We're facebook friends in real life
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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