I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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