I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize