eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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