dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
