cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
