Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
