I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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