there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
