Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
