do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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