it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
