So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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