Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
