I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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