oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
