Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
