You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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