i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
