...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
