Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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