Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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