Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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