Plan B is the new Plan A
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
