Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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