Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
