i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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