I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
