We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
