im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
