I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
