Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
