i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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