i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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