is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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