i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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