Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize