There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
