We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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