The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
