Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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