my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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