sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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