the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
