she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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