Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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