I wanna bring you to show and tell
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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