I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize