I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
