hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
A bitchslap is in order.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
